he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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