oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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