Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
