He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
