how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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