I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
