nut hugger
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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