My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The best revenge is premature balding
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
