Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
