My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
In America we eat man semen.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
