grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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