I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
