Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
