i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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