just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize