id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
