Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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