She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
