fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
