textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
