You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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