Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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