My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
