I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize