I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
