Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
