4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
