I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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