Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
