I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Randomize
