I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
