god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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