i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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