dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
