That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
