and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
