Plan B is the new Plan A
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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