Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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