How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
