cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
