when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
