I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
