Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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