I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
