the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
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