All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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