i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
