Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
worst night to have a conscience
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
