Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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