I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
