He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
