theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
