who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
