i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
