If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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