Taylor Swift is so right about you.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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