So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
