Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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