i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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