The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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